*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
💯😂
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.