*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Bed should get ready for ME
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.