*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
crazy
necessity is the mother of invention
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.