*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will