*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
this could fix me
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
wish me luck lads
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?