*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
May have had one breakfast too many
Unimpressed
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*