At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Based Erika
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
There’s only one good girl here!
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
12. I think about this all the damn time
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.