At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take