Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.