Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
IT’S-A ME,
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
what
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone