[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
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Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.