[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?