[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what