[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”