there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!