[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
God has abandoned us.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Running from your problems is cardio .