@foodfacenow: At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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@SchuylerPryor: Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.
@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
@TheSharona06: "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!" I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.