At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all