[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Happy Halloween 🎃
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.