[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.