[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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accurate
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas