[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
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*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice