[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You Might Also Like
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Big Sex has us all fooled
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Y’all know who you are.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.