*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…