*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I didn’t realize that was an option
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.