*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
This trial is so absurd 😭
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
This took me a second..
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
<—- homeless romantic
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My dad teaching me to drive