[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.