[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Any refunds available?…
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?