Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS