*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Coffee is ready.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.