5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
What a year we’ve had this week.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.