[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
But I really needed water water water
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.