[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Lol