[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink