[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks