[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
#CatsOnTwitter
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.