[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
we’re gonna need another temp
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.