[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
#growingpains
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant