[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.