At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.