At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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oh good, now I can stop drinking
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Mistakes were made
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t