@birbigs: At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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@GrumpyBahr: North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
@living_marble: "Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!" "Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?" "ARISE!"
@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
@markhoppus: Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I'm calling the damn cops.