@birbigs: At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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@: Doctor: You suffer from delusions Me: I don't think so Doctor: They seem real but they're not Stuart Little: He's lying to you Me: Yeah I know
@TheBoydP: I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it's for her is to eat it. Apparently
@mishakey: I can't help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.
@nickcreelman: Coworker: it's dark already Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes CoW: it's only 5 'o clock Me: I KNOW DAN CoW: it's early Me: THAT'S HOW EARTH WORKS