At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.