[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.