[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I’m confused about plants
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Bike for sale
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..