*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I have no passwords left in me
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
OKAY DAD
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The eclipse was like April fools for birds