At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Stop sending me this shit.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe