At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m tired tomorrow.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.