@HuajatollaChic: At least dogs look at you when you're talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I'd talk to you, but I'm a dog.
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@kentgrossarth: I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend's bedroom. I can't believe she's a super hero.
@TheFearBoners: When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u'd never ask
@CopernicusG: CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter? ME *sweating*: Uh, I'm in a cult
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