my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages