“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
no such thing as a dumb question
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work